Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
