Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
