I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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