her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
