Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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