A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
