im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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