I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
