go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
