I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
