It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.