I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We smell like vodka and hangover
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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