i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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