I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
