Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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