God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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