its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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