Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
