I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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