You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
