then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
