pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
