take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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