you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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