Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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