I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
A+ Viking dick
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
