Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
