I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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