I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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