He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
