He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
