ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
