i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We have so much sex to catch up on
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
