End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
