things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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