Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
