Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think i have herpe
just one?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
