dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
