I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
