you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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