last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
