I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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