i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
operation have a gay friend backfired
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
