there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
