well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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