When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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