So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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