i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
