Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How naked do you want me to be?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
