Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
