he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
