she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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