He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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