I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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