i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
