never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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