I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
