for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
